I recently watched a video about high-functioning anxiety and it really resonated with me. It taught me what high functioning anxiety looks like. High functioning anxiety looks like achievement. It looks like normal. It looks like calm. And to me, that is what makes it so dangerous.
People often have an image of someone closing themselves off or being unable to smile whenever they think of anxiety or depression. But mental disorders do not have to look like that. It scares me to think of the number of people who live their lives with battling thoughts every day. The number of people who keep telling themselves that they are okay because they can get up every day and make it out. The number of people who are scared of “faking it”. The number of people who are battling over every single decision just to make sure they don’t mess up. It scares me.
I will not self-diagnose myself… but I will say that I know what it feels like to constantly try to make the right decision. To try to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good sister, a good person… and believing you are not one when the smallest thing goes wrong. I know what it looks like to be careful at every single minute of your life… yet to pretend that you are the most carefree person out there and smile. I know what it feels like to dance in the rain and feeling joy… and knowing that a small part of the joy comes from the knowledge that no one will be able to see your tears if they accidentally escaped your eye ducts.
I lost myself somewhere in the battle between careful and carefree. But I find myself every day so it’s okay.
Just please be aware that a smile can hide a million things and always be kind to each other and yourselves.